Kids Chores (part 3): Know what you "own"

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. – Erma Bombeck

Start here if you missed Part 1 or Part 2 of this series.

Last week we talked about training and helping your kids to actually want to clean up their things.

*How did that go for you? Did you try it? What worked? What didn’t?

In the last 2 weeks, I promised that we would talk about finding peace, letting go and knowing what you “own”. So let’s dig in!

We are going to work through this backwards. I know many of us want to seek peace first – but I believe you need to first realize and know what you “own” (and don’t own) and then work on letting go of things that are not “yours” and finding peace in your daily responsibilities. Let’s see what this means.

Know what you “own”

“No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.” – Erma Bombeck

What are you responsible for – in this life, as a wife, as a mom, as a friend, daughter neighbor, etc?

It can seem like a lot – can’t it? I know I can get overwhelmed just thinking about all the things I am responsible for.

However, I want you to take an inventory this week and really find out what you are TRULY responsible for, and what things you have taken “ownership” of that are not yours to own. But for today, we are going to keep our responsibility and ownership focus on kids and chores.

What do I mean?

Depending on the ages of your kids, you may have different levels and areas of responsibility and ownership in regards to chores, cleaning and household things. If you have toddlers, obviously you will be responsible for mopping, heavy cleaning, folding and putting their clothes away, etc – but what can they help out with?

If your kids are older – they can (and should) not only be helping out with more of the daily and weekly chores around the house – but be responsible for some things (they should “own” it). This doesn’t mean that they are responsible for just doing it – but they are responsible for the outcomes (consequences – good or bad). Let me explain . . .

Who “owns” this mess?

Let’s say you have asked your son to pick up his room (which was supposed to be his responsibility – an area he “owned”). He didn’t. You asked him again. He didn’t. You commanded him to do it . . . NOW! He still didn’t. You are now frustrated, mad, angry, etc – because now YOU have to clean it up (or dish out a harsh punishment that makes him mad at you as well). No one is happy.

Whose job was it to clean the room? . . . . Who “owned” the responsibility for seeing that it gets cleaned?

{hint: your son’s!}

Why then did you get frustrated when he didn’t clean it up?

{hint: YOU took ownership of that responsibility}

Frustration is a symptom that we are not getting what we want. There is something out of our control that isn’t happening like we want it to.

In this scenario, you are trying to take control and “own” the responsibility for his room to be cleaned. When you do this, your son does not have to own it or take responsibility for it – because you are. Because you can’t control him (or his room), it causes a lot of frustration and anger – not just in you, but probably in your son as well (for feeling nagged, yelled at, commanded to do something he didn’t want to do, for making a decision for him, etc).

I don’t think this is what you (or your son) wants.

Your kids’ decisions and actions are ultimately out of your control.

“What?!”

Yes – they are. Here’s the truth . . .

You . . . are in control of . . . YOU . . . and no one else.

“But as a parent, am I not responsible for my children’s behavior, actions and decisions?”

The short answer is . . . No. Not ultimately.

Now – obviously this does not mean or condone that you should let your kids run wild and do whatever they want because you are “not responsible”.

Yes – you are responsible . . .

To teach them.
To guide them.
To train them.
To correct them.
To discipline them.
To protect and provide for them.
To set good examples and model correct behavior and decision-making.
For how you treat them, how you raise them, how you love them, respond to them and so much more!

You are definitely not a hands-off or absent parent – but a very active, involved and loving one.

But you are NOT responsible for the decisions they make.

They are fantastically unique individuals with a mind of their own – and we can definitely see this at 18 months to 2 years old when their favorite word is “NO!” 🙂

They need to learn how to own their decisions, actions, behaviors and more. That is where we come in – to teach, train, model and love.

You are not in control of your kids . . . they are in control of themselves.

And unless they learn this – that they are responsible for their actions, for their decisions and behavior – they will never really learn how to have self-control, self-management and good decision-making skills.

They might learn how to obey, follow orders and be a “good child” or a future “good employee” . . . but will they grow up to be a strong leader, a wise-decision maker (especially in those college years!), etc?

Unless YOU learn this – you will continue to be frustrated (and angry) when they make decisions you don’t like, agree with, want them to make or told them to make. This will not bring PEACE in your life . . . and I know you want more peace! 🙂

*So – Step 1 in finding more peace is knowing what you truly “own”.

Write down a list of those things that you ultimately want to be responsible for, those that you are not going to take ownership of (that the kids or your hubby might be responsible for &own) – and start a dialogue with your family!

Share with them what YOU will do (and won’t do), and how you are no longer going to nag, remind constantly and take responsibility for everyone else’s actions, decisions and behavior . . . that they will now take on that ownership, and that you are sorry for trying to be responsible and taking ownership of things that are not yours to own.

Be prepared though . . . they may not want this ownership – as it means that they are now responsible and can’t blame you, their siblings, the dog, etc when things don’t get done (or a poor decision was made). 🙂

But deep within them – they do want ownership and control. We’ve all been made to want to be in control of things in our life – and our job, as parents, is to help our kids learn how to have and manage that control and responsibility in their own lives.

Kids Chores (part 3): Know what you “own”

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. – Erma Bombeck