Fun Friday: Jokes & Quotes to make you laugh today!

Laughing Matters

I don’t know what your week has been like . . . frustrating, tiring, exciting, full of surprises (good?  bad?), depressing . . . ??  Mine has been full of many things – good and “not-what-I-expected” . . . but either way – I think today we all need a good belly laugh!

I think EVERY day we need a good belly laugh!  Laughter actually has healing properties to it!  So if you’re not feeling well . . . get that tummy shaking, those eyes watering, and your face hurting from laughing so hard!

So – here are some stories and jokes to get you started on an uproar of laughter today! 🙂

Little Girl to her friend: “I’m never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download.”

You can also find a ton of funny videos on YouTube – everything from funny animal videos, kids, adults, pranks and more.  My kids love the animal videos (I love the drunk squirrel one!) and the (clean) “prank” videos (like the “Just for laughs” tv show ones).

To start you off – watch this video first to get you chuckle motor started! {chuckle, chuckle . . . ahhh}  Love it!

The Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I`ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible more, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “Son, I`m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you`ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn`t get a hair cut!”
The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know dad, I`ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.” His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

An Amish boy and his Father

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything  they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father,  “What is this father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I   have never seen anything like this in my life,  I don’t know what  it is.” While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a  button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father  watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse  direction.  The walls opened   up again and a beautiful 24 year old  woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your Mother.”

The Twins

Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother… a relentless world class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.   He asked his brother how his wife was and his unborn children were… His brother replied, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” With a lump in his throat — he asked…”Well what did you name them?”

The brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.” The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a very pretty name!”

What did you come up with for my son?” The brother replied, “Denephew.”

At the beach

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.

“He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

First Spanking

Once there was a little boy who never got into trouble. But one day, he broke a window, so his dad said, “Go upstairs and think about what you’ve done and I’ll be up to give a spanking.

So this little boy is sitting upstairs, scared because he’s never gotten a spanking and doesn’t know what it’s like. About 20 minutes later, his dad comes up,spanks him, then goes back downstairs.

The little boy is just sitting there, crying. Suddenly he stops, pulls his pants down, and backs up to the mirror. He gasps in shock, then pulls his pants back up.

He runs downstairs to his dad and says, “Are you satisfied now, daddy? You cracked it!”

Going out

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, “Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

The Worms

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

“All right, son,” asked the father, “what does that show you?”

“Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.”

In the Baker’s Shop

An irate woman burst into the baker’s shop and said, ” I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales.”

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, ” Ma’am, I suggest you weigh your son.”

Teasing

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel — they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!”

The Queen of . . .

From Laugh with us blog – One morning I left the girls at the table finishing their breakfast while I got ready in the next room. I was listening to their conversation as they discussed being the queens of different animals. One would say, “I’m the queen of the monkeys, and you’re the queen of the tigers,” and so on. I was enjoying their banter and decided to get in on it. Putting my brush down, I walked into the room and asked, “So what is Mom the queen of?” With out missing a beat, my oldest who was only six at the time called out, “You’re the queen of all donkeys!”

A drink of water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later….”Da-ad….”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later:”Da-aaaad…..”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO!” If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..”
“WHAT!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

Prayers

An elderly gentleman passed his granddaughter’s room one night and overheard her repeating the alphabet in an oddly reverent way.
What on earth are you up to?” he asked.
“I’m saying my prayers,” explained the little girl.
“But I can’t think of exactly the right words tonight, so I’m just saying all the letters. God will put them together for me, because He knows what I’m thinking.”

Funny Kid Quotes

Here are some more funny things kids have said!   Enjoy!!

Mothering Matters – Funny Kid Quotes

Drink From the Deep – Kid prayers, quotes and other “church” humor!  (my other blog as well)

The Funny Kid Quote Blog

Kids Thoughts on Love – Too funny!

Laugh with us Blog

Bill Cosby – Ok, he’s not a kid . . . but he’s hillarious!

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.” – Bill Cosby

Got a joke or funny kid quote/story?  Share it!  I would love to hear it!

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