Love your kids – Rock the meanness out!

I was in tears . . . the good kind.  🙂

I was reading the testimony of a young mom, a military wife who lives most of the year as a “single parent” while her husband is out to sea . . . and it brought me to tears . . . the good kind!

As moms, we have all faced fears and doubts about how to parent our kids . . . how to deal with all the various situations that arise.

• “What do I do if my child bites someone else?”
• “What do I do if they won’t go to sleep at night?”
• “What do I do if they picked up a bad word, and won’t stop saying it all the time?”
• “What do I do with a 2 year old that is throwing a tantrum right in front of me?”

We can all agree that the list could go on for pages . . . actually . . . endless!  I could share a few questions with you that I NEVER thought I’d have to encounter – like “What do I do when I find out my son has been putting bags of poopy kitty litter in the neighbors yard for 6 months?”  🙂

Yep.

It really happened.

I wondered where my parenting survival guide had gone to.

Didn’t they give us one in the hospital?

They should have!

But back to the story that made me cry . . .

I found this post in my MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) Facebook group this past week.  I am a Mentor Mom for this group (which just means I’m old and I’ve made a lot of mistakes as a parent – and have hopefully learned enough to encourage all the young moms that this season of extreme exhaustion and not knowing what to do – that “this too shall pass” . . . without letting them in on the secret that . . . it just gets worse in the next season!  🙂  Ok . . . maybe not worse . . . just a different kind of exhaustion . . . mental, emotional, relational and sometime spiritual.).  Anyways . . . I do LOVE being a Mentor Mom, because I know I would not have survived the toddler years without the help, advice and encouragement of my Mentor Moms.  So – I’m passing it on!

Here’s the story:

Moms, can I just open up and write about something on here?  Tonight Blake had his very first ever terrible 2’s temper tantrum. His Daddy has just been deployed, so I am it. It was pretty horrific, snotting, SCREAMING, shouting, trying his hardest to show me that he’s trying to be independent, and the worst part, holding his fists clenched and his teeth clenched and SHAKING REALLY bad. I was like “oh my goodness, he’s acting possessed or something!”  It all stemmed from him being 2.5 and his molars coming in and independence to the extreme. The more I did to try to calm him down, the worse it got. But the reason I am writing this is to say this. I used a technique used by Lori West. After all else failed, I remembered what she said . I gathered his stiff screaming body in my arms and held him and told him that he was all right and that I loved him very much. I held him and rocked him during the fighting and it WORKED! The tantrum gradually came to an end and I wanted to encourage you to do this. There is a time and a place for spankings and this was not it for Blake. That would only make it worse. What he was asking for was love. His daddy is not here and I had to be sensitive to that. I was at the point of tears myself, but held it together. I just wanted to encourage you ladies when this happens to you to LOVE them through it like she encouraged. And it WILL happen to you, I promise. I love that I am not alone in mothering, even though I am physically alone.

{wiping tears away . . . }

Why did I cry?

It’s not because someone actually listened to me and took my advice (though – that is nice – as you know that having a bunch of kids can make you feel like no one listens or takes your advice very often!).

It’s because this mom got it . . . and her son’s true need was met in that moment of chaos and frustration . . . LOVE.

“All you need is love, love, love is all you need.” – Beatles

Love your kids – Rock the meanness out!

The technique my friend was talking about was one that I came across in a little, easy-to-read book called  It’s Better to Build Boys Than Mend Men by S. Truett Cathy (founder of Chick-Fil-A).

Mr. Cathy has many foster homes, and in all of them he has made sure there is a rocking chair.  Why?  Because one of the foster moms had told him “sometimes I just have to rock the meanness right out of them“!

At the time I accidentally came across this book, my 4th child was quite little.  He would have tantrums – and I decided to experiment.  Would it work . . . just sitting quietly and lovingly rocking him (which sometimes started off with holding him down firmly in my lap as he kicked, screamed and fought me) instead of putting him in a time out or in his room till his attitude changed?

The first few times it took awhile for him to calm down.  I didn’t say anything except occasionally I would sing “You are my sunshine” or quietly whisper “I love you” – but usually I just sat quietly and rocked.  When he would start to settle down, I would then start singing, talking gently and lovingly and then eventually we’d end up being silly and having fun!

Why didn’t I talk at first? . . . because in many of those times – he was still argumentative, and would counteract everything I said.

So – I would just demonstrate love until he was in a place to hear love.

But he soon learned that I was not going to push him away – that I loved him – that I was big enough to handle his tantrum and not react in fear (which is what we do when we get frustrated and start trying to control these little independent beings) – and that it was ok for him to settle down and enjoy the snuggles.

Other Love Testimonies

I have used this technique with my other kids as well, and especially with our youngest daughter who was adopted at 3 1/2.  Holding her close when she was in the midst of a tantrum and just pouring love out into her (and sometimes praying quietly just under my breath – declaring love and acceptance while breaking off abandonment and rejection) – has done so much to bond us, heal her, and teach her that God the Father does the same for us.

But one of my favorite testimonies of “rocking the meanness out” comes from a friend and her little 3 year old boy.  He had picked up a bad (cuss) word, and she and her husband were beside themselves as to how to get him to stop saying it all the time.  Timeouts, spankings, talking and explaining to him, and lots of prayer were used . . . but nothing seemed to be working.  She didn’t know what to do.  I encouraged her to try ignoring the cuss word spoken, and press in and draw him close instead . . . showering this little boy with good attention, redirection, love and snuggles.  I explained that he was most likely just crying out for love and attention – “testing” to see if they would still love him when he was “bad” like my daughter used to do.

A week later she said to me “Lori!  I have to tell you!  I LOVE my little boy!  He is so sweet and amazing!  I did what you suggested . . . and it’s like he’s a different child.  He keeps loving on me, telling me ‘I love you mommy.  I sorry mommy.’  It really does work!”  And the additional benefit . . . he wasn’t shouting out the cuss word anymore!

Again . . . I was holding back tears . . . the good kind!

Love the meanness right out!

You can do it!  . . . Try it.

Respond with love instead of anger, frustration or fear.  Draw your child close.  Try a “Time-in” instead of a “Time-out”.

Show them that you love them . . . no matter what.

This isn’t about letting your child “off the hook” for doing something “wrong” . . . but it’s about letting them know that even in the mess . . . you still love them unconditionally.

It also helps you to realize, like the military wife, that sometimes the tantrums, tears and difficulty we see in our little kids at times – isn’t just because they are wanting to be disobedient or make you mad . . . but they could be tired, hungry, feeling scared, wondering if they are still loved and accepted, and more.  They can’t verbalize and recognize this to be able to tell you – “Sorry mom . . . I’m just having a bad day today because I’m really missing Dad.”  Instead, it comes out as “AHHHHHH!! . . . No! . . . I don’t want to!  . . . AHHHHHH!!!!!”

Do you have any “love the meanness out” stories to share?

I’d love to hear them!

It encourages us all!

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