If you missed Part 1, Part 2 or Part 3 of this series – click on the number you want to read.
“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?” – Erma Bombeck
Ok – to very briefly review what we’ve talked about so far:
*Problem: You are tired of feeling like everyone’s maid and you want the kids to help clean up more.
*Solution: Get your kids to WANT to clean up their things! 🙂
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Step 1: Know what you “own”.
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Step 2: Let go!
Letting Go
Last week we talked about identifying those areas you are taking ownership and responsibility for that you don’t need to (or should) be owning.
Now that you know that your kids really do want to be in control of their decisions, and you are working on helping them make wise choices . . . it’s time to Let Go!
Yes . . . I know it might be hard . . . but LET GO of all those things you are NOT truly responsible for.
“Yikes! I don’t know if I can Lori!”
Yes you can . . . and you will do it well! I have great faith in you! (If I can do it – anyone can! Oh – and don’t worry . . . I’m still not perfect at it – by any means!)
Who owns this mess now?
So your son now knows that it is his responsibility to make sure his room is picked up each night (or weekend, etc), and that you are not going to nag him, get frustrated with him, or punish him if he doesn’t. {He’s thinking – YAY!} But he will still experience consequences for his actions and decisions – good or bad depending on what he chooses.
There is some training that will have to occur though – as he won’t just “get it” automatically.
Follow the steps from Part 2 – and choose to let your child learn! 🙂
In those steps, you have to decide to separate yourself from the final outcome – from the responsibility to make sure your child makes the right decision.
I know it’s hard . . . but it’s VERY important. Your son or daughter HAS to learn to make their own decisions . . . but you have to give them choices (and choices that you can live with and follow through on).
If you are having trouble coming up with good choices to offer – talk with some friends, your spouse, family, or get ideas from resources like Love and Logic, Loving our Kids on Purpose, Scream-Free Parenting, Positive Parenting Solutions and others.
Ideally – you really need to have a plan in place before the situation occurs.
- Think it through
- Create a plan
- Close any “holes” in your plan (ie – all the creative excuses and ways kids come up with to get out of doing something. This is where brainstorming with a spouse or friend can come in handy)
- Then stay firm, loving, calm and honoring as you carry out your plan.
This may be challenging for you in the beginning – as this will be a new way of living and responding. But you can do it! And it really is worth it! Don’t give up.
Let Go of the anger, frustration, nagging, commanding and punishments
Give your child room to learn, make his/her own decisions, mess up, learn some more, make a good decision, receive praise for his “wise” decision-making skills . . . and more!
And IF you CHOOSE to do their chores for them . . . do NOT get angry at them for “making you do it”. They are not “making you”- you are “choosing” to do it and take over responsibility for their chores.
Realize – YOU are in control of YOU. And teach your kids – THEY are in control of THEMSELVES. 🙂 This will definitely start to bring more peace!
Next week: Pursue (and find) Peace
What are you going to Let Go of this week?
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