Kids Chores (part 2): Your kids will WANT to pick up their things!

If you missed Part 1 – you can read it HERE.

Your kids will WANT to pick up their things!

“Blasphemy! You are speaking a lie Lori, I just know you are! No kid ever wants to pick up their things!”

Well . . . you can train them to do just that . . . and they will think it’s their own decision! {Yay! Bonus!}

Teach your kids to make wise choices – not just obey you.

Years ago, when my oldest 2 boys were probably around 6 & 8 years old, I read a book called “Parenting with Love and Logic”. I’ve implemented many of their parenting techniques and have seen huge success. One of the main things that I’ve learned through L&L (as well as other books like “Loving our Kids on Purpose” by Danny Silk) is that we need to teach our kids to make wise choices!

Let them make mistakes now, as a kid, and learn from it – so that when they are an adult, they won’t make bigger mistakes.

One area that kids can definitely learn is – how to be a part of this family and help keep the house presentable (the level of this standard might look differently in each home). But – we don’t want to constantly be giving out commands, nagging, etc – because then they are just learning to obey us, rather than learning how to think for themselves and make wise choices. Let me explain . . .

“Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, “A house guest,” you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.” – Erma Bombeck

“Meanest Mom in the World”

Back to when my oldest 2 boys were 6 & 8 . . .

I got tired of telling them to pick up their room. I got tired of the nagging. I got tired of not seeing any real progress in the chaos of their room.

So, one day (after readying L&L), I told them that I would not bug them any more about their room this week! 🙂 The choice was up to them if they wanted to clean it or not. But if they decided to not clean it, I would be glad to help them. They had 24 hours to decide, and if the room was still a mess the next evening, I would assume that meant they wanted my help – and I would be bringing in a big bag to put all their things in. That bag would go to the thrift store (or the trash). So . . . the choice was theirs.

Now . . . I don’t think they really believed me. Why should they? I had trained them to expect nagging, reminders, frustration, more nagging, and more. I’m sure they were waiting for their last minute reminder as well.

But there wasn’t one.

The next evening, I came up with a big garbage bag. I calmly (and yes – I was amazed at how calm and not-mad I was!) told them that I saw they had decided not to clean up, so I was going to do it. I then proceeded to bag up their things.

They didn’t know what to do. They were not sure if I was serious. . . . But I reassured them that I was.

Then they fell apart!

One son started trying to pick up things quickly and take them from me, yelling at his brother to “Quick – Help!”, while the other cried and screamed “You’re the meanest mom in the world! You’re so mean! You can’t do this! Don’t get rid of our stuff! Why would you do this?! . . .” and on and on and on. There were tears and sobbing going on – so much so, my husband probably thought I was beating them. 🙂

I wasn’t. I was so calm and cool, and really not mad. I was actually trying not to laugh at the high-drama response I was getting. To their “mean mom” statements I just calmly replied – “Yep – that’s my job!” (I now use the phrase – “Man, that’s too bad. I had a really NICE mom growing up.”)

End result

I wish I could say that I followed through 100% and marched those things off to the thrift store . . . but I didn’t. I didn’t have the heart to do that yet (I was a beginner “mean mom” . . . just learning!). But I did put them in the attic for a long time, and later they could “earn” some of it back through a reward/chart system we had going on at the time. And – you can imagine . . . the next time I said I would help clean their room if they decided they didn’t want to . . . they declined my offer. 🙂

Also, the next time one of my kids said “you’re the meanest mom in the world”, I heard one of those 2 boys say “Well – that’s her job!” 🙂

Living Room Sale

Fast forward 8 years – and I now have a better system in place (that doesn’t seem as cruel or impractical as throwing things out or taking them to the thrift store . . . cuz you know – it would be a shame to throw out a piece or two to a game and not be able to ever play the game again. 🙂 I’m too practical sometimes for the “mean mom” stuff.). This is what works for us – but if you find something that works better for you – then go for it! 🙂

We don’t have a lot of money at this time for weekly allowances, but we did agree to give them a small allowance at the beginning of each month (the amounts vary according to the age of the child – $1 for each year they are – ie. $7 for my 7 year old, etc). We have a “Charity” tithe can (we made out of an old nut can – wrapped it in paper, decorated it & cut a slit/hole in the top of the lid) that they can put 10% (or more, or less if they like) in – that we are saving up to donate to a charity of their choice.

After that . . . it’s time for the “Living Room Sale”!

{cheers – from mom . . . jeers and moans – from the kids}

How it works

Throughout the month, I am able to collect various items left out around the house each night. Our kids are responsible for a “section” of our house (it rotates each week) and their rooms. If anything is left out in their sections (not their rooms . . . though I’ve been thinking about adding this in lately – as their rooms haven’t been the tidiest) – I will GLADLY pick it up and put it in my Living Room Sale box/bag (stored in my bedroom). Nothing can come out of that box/bag until the next allowance/Living Room Sale day.

The “reminders” go something like this: “Goodnight kids. Don’t forget, if there’s anything you don’t want to buy back from me, make sure you pick it up and put it away before you go to bed. Otherwise, I’ll be happy to pick it up myself.” Many times I don’t even remind them (as they should know by now). The same goes for their laundry in the baskets in the living room . . . but I’ll talk about that in another post (soon).

Near the 1st of the month I pull out the bag, their allowances and the charity jar. . . . .

And the fun begins! 🙂

Any items in the bag that are theirs – they have a choice as to what to do with them. Either buy them back, or donate them to the thrift store.

If someone doesn’t want to buy an item (clothes or toy) back, then one of the other kids can if they want to – and it becomes theirs. Anything left in the bag/box at the end would automatically go to the thrift store . . . No “holding things” for the next month because someone ran out of money. (I’ve seen them bargain with each other to help buy things back as well!)

I told them that the 1st month would be cheap – only 5 cents an item. The next month it would double to 10 cents, the next month 25 cents, then 50 cents, $1 and so forth. If, however, a month went by where I had nothing in my bag/box – then I would start back at 5 cents!

We got up to $1/item before that happened (though – I may have not been 100% diligent in picking up things that month . . . so they lucked out!). Now – you know that if you only get $7/month – you will not be able to buy back many items at $1/item. So – decisions had to be made. And of course, my tender momma heart wants to sell things back for cheap -but then they don’t have any tough decisions to make . . . they could continue to leave stuff out, only pay a little for their things, and still keep a lot of their money. That doesn’t solve anything – the cleaning up chores, or teaching them to make wise choices.

This system has helped us weed through some old clothes (and a few toys) they didn’t really want anymore, helped the kids learn about tithing and “paying their bills” (and how, alot of times you don’t have much money left over – especially if you made poor choices that month), helped to keep our house cleaner, helped teach them how to make decisions (weighing pros and cons of buying certain things back, etc) and saved me a ton of frustration and energy at having to nag and remind kids to clean up their things.

They actually WANT to clean up their things now!

Ok – maybe they don’t want to clean up – but they just don’t want to have to buy it back! . . . and that is the beauty of teaching your kids to make their own wise choices instead of just learning to “do as you are told”! 🙂

The choice is theirs – and the responsibility is not yours! . . . but that’s another aspect of this that I’ll talk about next time . . . . Learning to let your kids “own” their problems and choices! 🙂 But for now . . . here are some simple steps to get you started on helping your kids to want to clean up.

Simple Steps

1.Tell them what YOU are going to do.

Not what you want them to do, or what they can’t do or have, etc.

“I am not going to bug you any more about cleaning up.”

“I am going to watch a movie in 20 minutes when I’m done doing dishes. Feel free to join me when your chores are done.” 🙂

2. Give them a choice.

This must be 2 (or 3) things that you are willing to accept – no matter which option they choose.

No threats here – “You can choose to clean up your room, or be grounded for a year.” They see through that.

Instead – “You can choose to clean up your room, or have me do it.” And if you say that – you can’t begrudgingly clean up their room. Do it with a smile and a good attitude – because it’s a happy day . . . you are one step closer to having them WANT to clean up their rooms! 🙂

3. Tell them what will happen (the consequences – good and/or bad)

“If you choose to not clean your room – I will be glad to help. Anything I pick up I am keeping [throwing out, taking to the thrift store, selling, etc].”

*We have also been paid for cleaning their rooms.

“I’ll be happy to clean up for you.”

“Really mom?”

“Sure. I only charge $30/hour.”

“What? I can’t pay that!”

“No problem” I say. “I take toys, valuable items and manual labor as payment.”

“That’s not fair!”

“I know. So – what do you want to do? Would you like me to clean up for you?” . . . . . .

They now have a decision to make!

“I’ll be cleaning up in 30 minutes. Please feel free to pick up any items you don’t want to buy back from me.” (the “buy back” is the consequence) Notice here – I am not commanding and telling them what to do – only letting them know what I will be doing (ie – collecting things for my wonderful living room sale!)

*Make sure the consequence relates to what is going on and is appropriate for your child’s age. ie – they don’t clean up, they lose the toys . . . etc. In other discipline areas it could be – if they don’t brush their teeth, they don’t get sugary treats and dessert the next day. We can talk about these things in another post – how to word it, etc (if you all are interested).

4. Follow through

Yes . . . you do have to follow through! 🙂 Kids can smell an empty threat a mile away – and they will find whatever loop-hole they can in our defenses, rules, policies and plans! They are creative and seemingly crafty . . . but this isn’t a bad thing at all. This just proves that God created them to be thinkers – and to be able to think for themselves and make wise choices! 🙂

Stick to the consequences . . . as much as you don’t want to. It really is for their good (and yours).

5. Be HAPPY and show empathy (honor & respect)!

Do all of this with a good attitude – one of excitement at watching your kids learn how to make their own decisions!

Show honor and respect through empathy when they don’t make the best choice.

Meghan and Lori - drawing — Artwork by Beth Fox

Encourage them in who God has made them to be (ie – instead of labeling my daughter as a “strong-willed child” – she has always been my “little CEO in the making”! Same traits – huge difference! God created her this way for a reason – and I want to nurture, support, and hone it in a positive way.)!

“Oh man . . . it looks like you decided to not clean up. I’ll be happy to clean up for you. We’ll have the Living Room sale in a couple weeks and you can buy back your things then. I’m sure I won’t have to help you much in the future. But if you need my help – I’m always here. You’ll do great tomorrow!”

Remember – you are investing in their future – as people, as leaders, as adults and more. I actually look forward to opportunities where they can make a mistake and learn from it (Ok . . . maybe not all the time . . . but it really is sooo cool to see them learn to make wise choices!).

So – do NOT do any of the steps above with a bad, angry, or frustrated attitude. If you are feeling that way – then you are still “owning” their problems and chores . . . but we will talk more about that next week! 🙂

If you can’t do it calmly and without anger right now . . . come back next week to find out how you really can do this! 🙂

And if they DO make a wise choice (to clean up, etc) – then let them know – “Great job at cleaning up! What a wise decision you made there. . . . Do you think so?” You can even act like you are sad that you didn’t get to pick up anything for your sale box/bag! “Man – you beat me to it buddy! You are too awesome at picking up! I was really wanting to pick up some things for my living room sale box! Maybe I’ll get to tomorrow.” 🙂