Happy Anniversary! 20 things I learned in 20 years.

Happy Anniversary to my FABULOUS husband of 20 years – Jeremy West! I love you and am looking forward to the next 20 years!

I am so happy that God put the two of us together. I know this journey has had it’s ups and downs, but I am so thankful to have a man who is committed, loyal, faithful, and is willing to do “what it takes” to make this marriage not just last – but be AMAZING!! Thank you babe! 🙂

20 years ago, we were young (though I felt so “old” at the time . . . but looking at 21-year-olds now – I realize how young we were!), in love, and took the leap into this adventure called marriage with the blessing of both our families and many friends.

20 years later, we are not so young (but I feel young . . . till my kids remind me how “old” I am . . . especially when they want to hear about the “olden days . . . You know mom . . . the 1980’s!” – pre-cellphones, internet, Facebook and more!), we have been through various seasons of “in love”, choosing to love even if we don’t “like” each other at the moment, and even just “I’m committed” . . . and we are still journeying through this adventure called marriage, with the blessing and support of our families and friends.

I’m going to be honest with you . . .

Marriage is not for the weak, lazy or selfish

How come no one ever really tells you this before getting married? (Ok – maybe the pastor did try to tell us . . . but really, “he doesn’t know what he’s talking about – right? That’s not going to affect us!” ha!) Actually – then add in some kids, and you can multiply it exponentially! Parenthood is definitely not for the weak, lazy or selfish . . . and if you didn’t think you had any of these traits . . . you’ll soon find out where they are hiding. 🙂 Anyways . . . back to marriage . . .

Marriage is work.

Yes – it starts off blissfully happy, butterflies in the stomach, can’t keep our hands off each other, and a dreamy uptopic idea of “happily ever after”.

But somewhere down the road, we realize that this beautiful “garden” we started off with is . . . well . . . not so pretty.

Where did those weeds come from?

How come I’m not blooming like I used to?

Why doesn’t my spouse look or seem as attractive as they used to be?

What happened to “happily ever after?”

What happened to my wife/hubby . . . and why did I move to second place after we had kids/job/etc?

Did we “fall out of love”? Is it time to call it quits?

Don’t give up!

This is what happens in most marriages at some time or another (did no one tell you? Or did you not believe them?). Marriage is work. It might not get as bad as some, or it might be worse than other marriages . . . but it doesn’t have to stay bad . . . that garden of yours CAN be beautiful again – no matter how bad it looks right now! So don’t give up! But do get help if yours is struggling right now! And if you are not struggling – awesome! Keep up the great work (and definitely don’t let yourselves drift. Be intentional!)!

20 things I learned in 20 years

Let me share with you some of what I have gleaned over these last 20 years living with my husband, raising 5 kids, having various jobs, and pressing forward on this journey we are on. (This looks long – but read it! It’s worth it!)

God knew what he was doing in putting us together. Even when I’ve thought – “are you sure God? We are so different!” – I know that He truly does know us better than we know ourselves, I trust Him and I have seen His divine wisdom at work!
Marriage is work – but it’s sooo worth it! It’s like a garden that you truly DO have to tend to – every day! In whatever you do, ask yourself – “Does this help or hurt my marriage/relationship today?” It’s one or the other . . . it’s never neutral. Keep weeding, keep nourishing, keep each other’s “love tanks” full, etc.
Staying committed to your spouse is about staying committed to the vow you made to God first and foremost. Make that your first commitment/priority – that vow to God (especially when it seems hard to want to keep that vow to your spouse). It’s a vow worth keeping – and God will honor it.
“There really are no marriage problems – only childhood problems that creep up in marriage.” This is a quote by a local psychologist/counselor – and it’s true in so many ways. Living with someone 24/7, and then adding kids into the mix will pull out, reveal, and trigger all sorts of things from our past. As I am going through Theophostic Prayer Ministry training – and learning about the lies we believe about ourselves, and how they manifest in our emotions, reactions, etc – and how most of them are rooted in a memory from early childhood (not always) – it makes sense that most of marriage issues come about due to each partner’s “baggage”, lies they believe about themselves, previous wounds, hurts, experiences, etc. Knowing this helps to put present day situations, circumstances, hurts, anger, sadness and other emotions into perspective . . . and then healing for the root of the problem instead of just dealing with the “symptoms”.
Husbands NEED unconditional respect as much as wives NEED unconditional love! This is not our first language, nor his – and it takes work – but when you realize how each of you are wired in this way, and you pour into it – you’ll see a drastic difference in your marriage! (Read Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emmerson Eggerichs)
On the same note – it is extremely helpful (if not vitally important) to know and love each other in their Love Language! Don’t know what I’m talking about? Read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary D. Chapman (He also has one about kids – and knowing my kid’s love language has helped a ton too!( The 5 Love Languages of Children) You can find online and printable tests to take to help you figure out both your love languages (We did both to get a more accurate score).
Don’t share the negative things about your spouse with your family members (especially your mom or dad). I know we all want/need to vent sometimes. However, your family loves you, knows you, wants to protect and help you, and can end up forming a negative opinion of your spouse that is based on one-sided information if you only go to them with all your issues, complaints, struggles, etc. Let them know the amazing things about your spouse, what you love about them, what they have done for you, etc. Be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader, supporter, protector – and show others how much you value them.
Keep the romance alive and well! Yes, it’s harder when you have babies keeping you up at night, little ones knocking or barging into your room all the time, or no family in town to help watch the kids so you can go out. Get creative! Start a babysitting co-op with a friend or two, have date nights at home, schedule a consistent “mom and dad” time where the kids know you are off limits while you two talk, etc. The bottom line is – BE INTENTIONAL . . . or else it just won’t happen.
I like the toilet paper to roll from the top (thankfully my hubby doesn’t care which way!). Hey – gotta throw in some simple, basic things I’ve learned! 🙂
We both squeeze the toothpaste the same (or we both just don’t care? 🙂 Probably both). 🙂
Make sure your new “love” doesn’t replace your “old love”. When we had our first baby, it was quite an adjustment – in many ways. And it’s easy to get wrapped up in being a mom (or dad – if you are reading this), feeling tired all the time, dealing with leaky boobs (yes – I said it!) and other post partum issues, hormones, etc, etc . . . and you find yourself totally in love with this new little being. Just don’t forget – your 1st love is still there too. 🙂 (This ties in to #8)
Surround yourself with older, wiser, Godly couples and friends that you can go to when you need help.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help, go to counseling, get healing . . . and more importantly – PRAY! 🙂
God can do so much more than I can! This last year He has taught me how to “shut up” and let Him do what He was going to do – with my hubby, with me, with my kids, etc. 🙂 I didn’t have to defend myself (He is my defender!), protect myself (He is my protector), prove that I’m right (He is my judge and advocate), worry about not making it (He is my sustainer), or try to fix or change my husband (He loves and knows my hubby even more than I do!), etc. When I listen to God, do things His way, and get out of His way . . . the end result is soooo much better! 🙂 He is MORE than capable! Take things to God in prayer – and watch Him work miracles (in His own timing . . . of course! 🙂 )!
If your marriage is struggling . . . focus on YOU – getting healing, taking responsibility for your part of the problems, pressing in closer to God, forgiving, releasing judgments and offenses, and then pray blessings upon your spouse (even if you don’t “feel” like it). You can’t change your spouse – but you can change you (your reactions, your attitude, etc.) Graham Cooke says “If you want to know how to love your enemy . . . first of all – choose to not see them as your enemy!” 🙂
Focus on what you have in common instead of the differences that frustrate you. My hubby and I might be different in many ways – but we both love watching movies, going out to eat, eating popcorn late at night (while watching a movie!), staying to watch the credits in the theater, getting massages, and more.
There is more to intimacy than just good conversation or sex. In a book we read on The Drifting Marriage – we learned about 7 different areas of intimacy that should be focused on for couples to further their intimacy and feel truly connected (this explained why we still would feel not as connected, even though we might be connecting in conversation or the bedroom). The areas of intimacy are: Spiritual, Social (ie – with other friends), Recreational, Intellectual, Sexual/Physical intimacy, Communication/conversational and one other that I suddenly forgot (and can’t find the book! Sorry! I’ll update it if I find it!) 🙂
The enemy (Satan) HATES marriages with a vengeance! He is out to ruin all of our marriages – and I have to be aware that not only does God have a plan to bless our marriage, but Satan has a plan to curse and ruin it. God is all about family, marriage and parenthood. So naturally – Satan hates them all! Be aware and be intentional to pray and fight for your marriage, your kids and your family. And know that you are NOT alone with your struggles. People all around you are probably going through similar things.
20 years goes by pretty fast . . . and I’m sure the next 20 will go even faster! I remember my parent’s 20th Anniversary . . . and I thought they were “so old”! 🙂
I have the BEST hubby in the world! Tonight we celebrated “creatively” (steak dinner at home – cooked by my hubby and kids, eaten at “the best restaurant around” complete with a 12 year old hostess, 8 year old waitress, a couple “security guards” (14 and 9), and a 16 year old busboy . . . and I was looking pretty good in my new black dress! 🙂 I was given flowers, a promise of a cruise this winter (YAY!) and a framed “manifesto” from my hubby with what he promises to do as my husband! I LOVED that!

20=Expectancy and Redemption

I looked up what the number 20 Biblically meant – and found out it is the number of “expectancy” and “redemption”. I’d say that tonight I feel like this is true for us . . . as I am expectantly excited for this next season of our marriage and lives to bloom, and I’m thankful for the redemption, the healing, the grace, mercy and love that God has poured out upon us!

I pray blessings upon your marriage today . . .

no matter what state it is in – healthy, drifting, struggling or seemingly doomed.

There is hope (and help) available!

Don’t give up!

It’s worth fighting for!!

Here is proof and the reason it’s worth fighting for: